Saturday, December 5, 2009

Review of a review

I’m getting famous! My friend Greg forwarded this “ I saw you “ from the monthly Ottawa arts magazine called Upfront. They’ve been warning people not to try not and be mean and mostly it’s getting more civil, not always though. So I’m proud to announce that Maxim’s Mind has officially received it’s first ever media recognition! 

When: All the time
Where: The world wide interweb
When I lived in Ottawa I let you have (bad) sex with me because I wanted to up my musician number. Now living not- in-Ottawa I read your blog and laugh at how you pile clichéd pretension onto clichéd pretension. Scatting? Drug 'experiences'? Zines? Longboarding? Yoga? Modelling? Really? I am SO glad I met you. You make me and my pals lol-gasm all the time. (I especially like the one where you ‘heal’ the hobo.) 
x x

Thank you kindly for the attention my dear mystery fan, you words of encouragement mean so much to me, and probably not what you intended. Since is the first printed mention of my blog, outside my blog, I took the liberty to slowly sift over each sentence in order to grasp a deep meaning, or perhaps take a journey into your subconscious. Hopefully you’ll emerge, or stay namless and tell me what you thought of my deconstruction of your submission.

“ When: All the time
Where: The world wide interweb”

I take this as the second most positive but also the most troublesome part of the whole piece. Yes my work is available all the time, but the section of the Magazine is called “ I Saw You”. This leads me to believe that my blog is in front of your face “all the time”. Which is cool, I guess, but I don’t have enough posts for that. Maybe your reading things over again, you’ve probably noticed the spelling errors, maybe even grown to love them.

On the next line, I see you’ve combined the two names of the internet. Very clever. I can see I’m dealing with a worthy adversary.

This leads us to the line most telling of your personality.

“When I lived in Ottawa I let you have (bad) sex with me because I wanted to up my musician number.”

I love the end of that one, “I wanted to up my musician number.” I take this to mean, you intended on raising the number of musicians whom you’ve had sexual intercourse with. My inclination is that your being honest here and not satirical; no one would describe themselves in such shallow terms unless it was the truth. However, the end goal of said foray alludes me, but as usual, I’m willing to jest a few possible explanations. Musicians are notoriously scummy people, my first thought is that you were board of life and perhaps desired some hip new sexually transmitted viruses. That was kind of mean, but I’m a musician after all. Did you think that by having sex with multiple musicians, some kind of magical talent powder would rub off onto you? You’ve written in black and white that you slept with me in order to bolster your reputation; that’s the reason why it was bad sex.

“Now living not- in-Ottawa I read your blog and laugh at how you pile clichéd pretension onto clichéd pretension.”

This one warms my heart, I like the double coupling of cliche and pretension. Both words have negative connotation, so whatever the pretension are, they are even more disagreeable now that they are cliches. The fact that you “laugh” at them and feel the need to read through a “pile” of them, begs the question, why are spending so much time reading “cliched pretension”.

I like checking out dating sights as a sociological experiment. If some one uses the self descriptive “I’m a laid back person”, I high tale it, pronto. When reading books, magazine’s or newspapers, you can get a gist of the tone and direction of something, usually in the first sentence. So thanks for reading my blog, what ever your reasons are.

The rest of the note shows an in-depth knowledge of my postings, covering the span of approximately four months.

“Scatting? Drug 'experiences'? Zines? Longboarding? Yoga? Modelling? Really?
Those subjects are scattered through over twenty pages of posts. I’m assuming you didn’t keep checking back in order to write that sentence, so obviously my stories have stuck with you. When you use the term “ cliched pretension” referring to those activities, I wonder if you understand the meaning of either term. Vocal experimentation, drug use, underground magazines, really fast skate boarding and yoga are all humble pursuits and have no common factors or backgrounds, so the aren’t excepted and aren’t cliches. The point of modeling is to represent a superior lifestyle, so that one is inherently pretension, but has no connection to the other activities, so is again, not a cliche. I should remind you that my blog isn’t fiction. I don’t choose the things that I’m passionate about and write about, they strike a fire in me and I tell it like it is. Thanks for taking so much time to learn about me though.

Things get really positive again at the end.

“I am SO glad I met you. You make me and my pals lol-gasm all the time. (I especially like the one where you ‘heal’ the hobo.)
x x”

By using capitals, I take it you mean to say the opposite, that you’re unhappy you’ve met me. Unfortunately, that completely contradicts the next two sentences. The first of which suggests that for whichever reason, you and the multiple people you’ve shown it to, read my blog, “all the time”. This means my audience is much large then I thought it was, so right on. I’ll do my best to keep you all “lol-gasaming.” You throw some quotation marks around the word “heal”, perhaps to further the sarcastic tone of the note. That story is one of the wildest things that has ever happened to me, I’ve captivated many audiences with that one. You start to sound much more like a friend at the end, the quotation marks are gladly accepted since, 1. I was high on mushroom at the time and 2. I’d never done anything like that before. 3. Didn’t really know what I was doing.

The two “x”s are a nice touch. Xs at the end of a note mean kiss, I appreciate it. And I appreciate the note in general. I smoked a joint a few hours ago and couldn’t sleep. You’ve given me some fantastic subject matter to write about. I have a feeling that you and your friends will be reading this one too, so hopefully, whoever you are, you can send me a note, telling me how I can improve the next one. Maybe you can suggest some adventures so my blog will no longer be “cliched pretensions”.

Love you all, especially whoever wrote the note.


ps. I wonder what you thought would come out of writing that?

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